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Post by waiting on Nov 23, 2010 9:06:06 GMT 10
A friend of mine told me that her friends are looking after a set of twins that they are fostering. They have them for 6 months until the mum can sort themselves out. If not they will be first priority to be placed with the twins on a permanent care order. DOes this sound right? Can you go from fostering to permanent care? has anyone heard of this happening? Shouldn't the kids go into the permanent care pool of parents? waiting.
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Post by waiting on Nov 24, 2010 6:55:55 GMT 10
Yes we are thinking of foster care but not to go to permanent care but just to help out a child. But I find it really annoying that people are actually foster carers and then jumping in to do the permanent care, when other people have actually applied and gone through all the paperwork to be PC approved.
It just seems at time goggly, it doesn't matter what process I try, the tablets, the IVF , the adoption process, nothing seems to get me closer to what I am a hoping for. The idea of being a parent and having a child seems further and further away now.
We had an appointment with the SW and she says that we have another 2 years and then they won't bother considering us at all anymore. They want you to have more experience with small children and babies and you jump those hoops and then still nothing.
I guess I feel resigned at this point that I won't have that part of my life fulfilled. After all that trying and trying and applying and doing and whatever, it was all a waste of time.......
Yeah, I am in that sort of mood......
Waiting, waiting and waiting and finally giving up.
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Post by doris on Nov 24, 2010 8:30:41 GMT 10
Hi waiting, we were at the exact place you are now. we actually made the decision to pull out because we were not hearing anything for a very long time. We were on the register for 18 months before we were matched with our beautiful boy. The social worker for starters should not have said that to you. Thats just not right. when we had yearly review we were told that it is very hard at the moment (thats when we decided to withdraw from it all) but then we were assigned another sw and she was fantastic and within 6 months with her we were matched with 2 little boys which one of them is with us now.
So basically what i am trying to say is dont give up now give it a little more time. you really never know what might be around the corner.
Doris
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Kay
Toddler
Mama through local adoption :)
Posts: 230
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Post by Kay on Nov 24, 2010 9:19:32 GMT 10
Hi Waiting,
I definately agree with Doris, your SW should not have given a time line that you wont be considered.
From what I understand, Foster can go into PC but this only happens on very rare occasions.
I know it is hard to keep going in the process. I myself are frustrated with the fact that we seem to not be hearing anything.
I am here if you need to vent!!
Louise
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Post by waiting on Nov 24, 2010 11:07:50 GMT 10
Thanks girls. At times it just feels like everyone else is pregnant and having babies and everyone else gets placed and I am just sitting here twiddling my thumbs. waiting
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Kay
Toddler
Mama through local adoption :)
Posts: 230
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Post by Kay on Nov 24, 2010 13:11:12 GMT 10
I totally understand Waiting... hang in there xx
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Post by waiting on Nov 24, 2010 17:40:55 GMT 10
My social worker said that after I turn 46 ( I am 44 now) that generally babies are not really placed after you reach that age group. SHe also said that there were around 40 or so couples on the list at the moment ( I am unclear if this includes permanent care pool), but she said at least 7 of these couples even though they are still on the list, will really not be considered. SO that is what I meant by 2 more years and then forget it. Surrogacy, no, I have not got any viable eggs to speak of. OS adoption, too late now, if I want a baby. It is usually 40 year difference between parent and child and I will probably end up with a 15 year old by the time they get to us....
No, this is my only "viable " option. I did consider donor eggs but my husband would not agree to this option. It is either all ours biologically or not at all. Very stubborn person.
What else do I have? I wait and then I stop waiting...
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Post by goggly on Nov 24, 2010 20:29:37 GMT 10
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Post by doris on Nov 24, 2010 20:55:49 GMT 10
Hi Waiting
I agree with Goggly, just hang in there and if you need to vent just vent and you will feel better. I have to admit that this forum helped me through the hard times it was a good place to just let it all out.
Your SW needs to go back and get retrained. The decision is all yours and ur age is not old.
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Post by waiting on Nov 24, 2010 21:09:06 GMT 10
Goggly, how old was the old baby? I would not care if it was an old or young baby,as long as it was a child. Maybe I should change my thread to whingeing and whingeing.
I am sorry girls. I have been so difficult lately. I go through these panic attacks and I think, it will never ever happen. Then I get this sick empty feeling inside me and I feel like "what's the point anymore"
Sorry, more whingeing.... Nothing seems to be able to break this mood, and I know you girls have tried.
I am trying too, but.....
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Post by goggly on Nov 24, 2010 21:47:53 GMT 10
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Post by waiting on Nov 25, 2010 6:37:02 GMT 10
Yes I thought of that too. We considered that before moving into adoption pathway, but my husband was quite scared that if it did not work out I would be thrown right off the edge. He said it was killing him seeing me so devestated after the miscarriages and failed IVF transfers that he suggested that we don't. SO I am screwed there too. But since we started this process we declared that we were over with all that, and my husband says you can't keep going back and forth....
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Post by chinababe on Nov 29, 2010 19:45:17 GMT 10
Waiting if you don't have experience with children I would actually recommend that you look at foster care as a viable option for 'creating' the experience they are requesting...........and if you happen to move into a foster care to PC situation by fluke so be it.
I actually think that FC to PC happens more than the SW's like to indicate. My reason for saying this in the area I work in (inclusion for children from priority groups) I have actually seen this a bit in the last year.
I would say that there are is a 'combination' of parents out there - ones that start FC simply to do FC and their relationship develops over time and thus it leads them to PC. Then I am sure there are a couple of people that do FC with the aim of moving to PC. There would have been a time when I would have questioned this. However knowing what I know now, what can I say - there are so many restrictions on potential parents that if they have developed skills to work through such a tough system well done to them for using their brains. They will most likely be good parents because they will explore a variety of different pathways for their child if the need arises. But I get your frustration - but hey when in Rome!
In a way if you do FC your sort of killing two birds with one stone -your getting the experience you need and possibly increasing your chances in more than one way.
Um! I think I know what you mean - he doesn't like the thought of a baby being born from different genetics? But okay with a child already existing with different genetics? Would embryo donation not be like an adopted child - it already exists just not been used(Mine you I say this as someone that knocked back donor embies). Just donor eggs and surrogacy in India might be a real option. Do you think he would reconsider if you don't ended up being selected in the next few years? Just sometimes it seems that it takes our other halves more time. Just if it's the option between being childfree and having a child - what would he decide? And again I say this as someone who knocked back donor embies - for me it wasn't a path I wanted to follow but I also have been able to select being childfree as a real option with only minor regrets thought regrets it not really the right word - minor and infrequent major twinges of emotional pain.
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Post by goggly on Nov 29, 2010 20:15:38 GMT 10
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Post by flossyinoz on Nov 30, 2010 21:04:35 GMT 10
I saw my name mentioned and yes we were placed with 46 years of age, so it is not true you are no longer considered after 44, in fact the agencies do not really care so much about your age, a birthmum may, but they do not always make the decision, not in our case anyway. And we were actually encouraged by the agency to apply for a second child which we can only do when DS is 2, if we were to get another child we would be approximately 50 if things were going in the timeframe they went last time.
And regarding lacking childcare experience, they told us the same thing and my solution was to volunteer in a childcare center for 6 months 1 day a week, I certainly have not regretted this experience. In the end you do not have the problem with having children in your care to give back, but of course you also do not have a possible case of foster care conversion. Anyway it was the right path for me.
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