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Post by simone on Oct 16, 2009 10:28:55 GMT 10
I was asked today by a mother how I keep so positive with everything I have been through. When I had my hysterectomy at 32 I began a downward spiral I reached a very dark place but with some wonderful help I came through with my eyes smiling again. Hubby and I are desperate to have a child but we are well aware that this may never happen for us. A lot of my loved ones are concerned that if adoption does not work out for us that I will start my journey towards that dark place again. Yes I will be crushed but honestly I came through the most horrible thing that has ever happened to me,I came through it to be myself again. We are meant to be parents but if it doesn't work out there is something else out there that we are meant to do,what it is I don't know yet,but we will find out. I keep so positive because I made a choice.A choice to not allow my infertility to rule my life.I could do two things sit and wonder why me,or get on with life and believe that one day I will be a mum. Have a great day Sx
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Post by flossyinoz on Oct 16, 2009 10:58:06 GMT 10
Hi Simone,
I so agree, I also get the very same question from friends. Yes we are longing for a child and yes that thought is always in the back of our minds, but life goes on and we live it to the fullest, feeling pitty for oneself does not help and if it does not work out, yes then maybe I will go to this dark again place like you but I hope I will be able to pick myself up again and slowly crawl back into the light as I have done before.
Flossyinoz
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Post by doris on Oct 16, 2009 13:10:34 GMT 10
Hi Simone
I know exactly how you feel. I had a hysterectomy when I was 31 and we were trying to have a baby for 2 years prior to the operation. That dark hole was just that a hole and I knew that I wanted to get out of this hole I didn’t want the operation to be my life. I found that people around me found it very hard for me to be positive about something so huge. I think the operation actually made me a stronger person and I can deal with issues a lot better. I found that the adoption process in some ways helped me, but most of the time it made me feel worse (my social workers kept going on and on about my loss, I kept telling them yes I understand I have lost something I have dealt with that now let’s move on. I just wanted to get over that damn hill of loss and move on, but the SW kept going on and on about it., that’s why at times we wanted to pull the plug and withdraw (that happened on a number of occasions), but we stuck with it and through thick and thin we are one of the lucky ones that has a beautiful boy. It’s been over a year now that he has been with us. But the wait for him (18 months) were really hard but we stuck with it.
So what I am trying to say is that your family is waiting, when no one knows but it is waiting. Good Luck.. Doris
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Post by simone on Oct 16, 2009 14:44:27 GMT 10
Hi girls,thanks for your replies.Flossyinoz I think that dark place always lingers but it is our strength that keeps it at bay. Doris I am soooo happy that you are now a family,how wonderful.When I spoke to our first lady she commented that I will have to prove that I am over my hysterectomy and infertility.I replied that I will never get over it. there is always going to be a hole in my heart no matter what.It all has to do with how you decide to deal with these curve balls that are thrown at you.I decided to deal with the rest of my life with positivity.I'm not saying I never get down of course I do but I soon bounce back and realize how lucky I am,a beautiful husband,terrific family and friends,a job I love animals that adore me and my health.I'm one pretty lucky chookie. Talk soon Sx
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Post by lilchookie on Oct 16, 2009 15:25:29 GMT 10
When you go through the assessment you will be questioned alot about your grief & loss, your fertility/infertlity journey, where you have been & where you are now with it. So be prepared for feelings that you may not have thought about / felt for awhile to be stirred. I really found the assessment process showed me how far I have come. I didn't mind talking about the 'dark times', it made me feel strong that I am not there anymore & it has taught me to embrace things that perhaps had my life turned out differently I may not of. I want to be a mum more than anything in this world and I used to think if this can't happen what is my purpose? why I am I here? Now I embrace everyday for what it is, I love my life, my husband, my friends + family. What I have been through and learning to embrace the simple things that I do have, I am sure will make me a better mum, if / and when that day comes
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Post by flossyinoz on Oct 16, 2009 15:34:43 GMT 10
Yes our social worker did exactly the same, I did not have a hysterectomy, but an enourmous amount of IVFs and donor IVFs, several miscarriages etc over 7 years and she was going on and on about the grief as we had not had formal counselling apart from the legally required counselling at the clinic (not really worth it, just ther to cover the clinics leagal butt), but I had good friends who helped me and talking to friends over and over always helped me (that proves that they are good friends as they are still here in spite of all my talking) And I gave her the exact same answer that there will always be a sense of loss and you will never fully get over it, but you learn to live with it and concentrate on the great things you have in life like the relationship that got stronger throught his, the mentioned friends etc. It took a lot of convincing until the social workers finally got it that we are not living in the past, that we have not rushed into things as it was "only 2 years" after IVF that we finally got to the interview stage. Yep, they really sort out the quitters and I was not sure if they would eventually approve us, but they did and we are hoping to get as lucky as Doris!!!
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Post by simone on Oct 16, 2009 16:10:30 GMT 10
Thanks for sharing your experiences with me ladies we are a long way off from assessment but it's nice to have some insight before we begin.I'm sending out happy thoughts to all that you get that dream phone call,I just hope when you do you we will remain a part of the forum,like Doris,so those of us who still have a long way to go have the wonderful support that I'm finding this forum to be Sx
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Post by waiting on Oct 16, 2009 17:15:57 GMT 10
We have all gone through a lot during the last so many years and they say what does not kill you or drive you insane, makes you stronger, and I see a whole lot of really strong women on this forum, and I am really proud to be part of this network. I am not sure how I found it, but I am really glad I did. I second Simone's comment that we are only newbies and have found great support, and I too hope that when each of us becomes an parent, we will still be around to offer the odd pearl of wisdom if we can.
I have been part of an IVF support group earlier but did not find it very supportive. I remember a lunch and two groups were scheduled to meet at the same time, and I was in the group of the non achievers and the other group was the group with the babies- the achievers, and I swear, I felt so horrible being there. From then on, I did not go.
I have tried to actually use the information that I have learnt to educate others regarding the pitfalls in my case of starting too late. I also try to educate the idea of ovulation date not being day 14. I try to use my misfortune to help others. I may not have been successful in getting pregnant, but if I can help someone not experience my pain, then I will do so. That is how I have coped with the things I have experienced.
I remember tellin Sw and my Dh tries to remind me of this too that we have a good life and if we don't have kids, then we will still have a good life. The hardest thing to explain my infertility is to teenager s who ask why you don't have kids. I dont' want to explain personal stuff with them and you just smile and say nothing sometimes and other times you say the stork didn't make the delivery to my house this year.
Waiting...
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Post by lilchookie on Oct 16, 2009 18:32:04 GMT 10
Waiting - I have children in my life who have come to teenage years and started to question why we don't have any children. I just honestly tell them when asked, sometimes people just can't have babies (their mum's are also great for discussing at length when they ask when I am not around). I explain it is not because we don't want to, but our bodies just haven't worked as we would have liked them too. It's easier with teenages because they know all about where babies come from. When little ones say to me "Why don't you have a baby of your own?"......it's a little harder. But also easier to answer in a way because the question can be cover with a quick "If I had a baby, then I wouldn't have all my cuddles for you!!" a quick tickle, cuddle and a laugh and they are off playing again, forgetting they even asked you the question
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Post by waiting on Oct 16, 2009 20:05:19 GMT 10
Lilchookie, I find that some teenagers come out and just ask. They have not learnt like adults not to ask those sort of questions. Also they are sometimes just confused and not clear as to why I don't have any kids of my own.
That is hard as I have not been able to say to them that I just can't have children. I don't want them gossiping, as I am a schoolteacher and you don't want too much personal info going around the school. On top of that, if I answer the question, they may use it against me, and sometimes kids don't mean to say what they say, but it comes out and then we all regret it.
On the same note, I am quite comfortable saying to adults that I am unable to have children. That in itself took a while to accept about myself and then openly admit to strangers or acquaintances that we cannot have children.
How long did it take to admit it to yourself that it wasn't going to work and then to admit it to the general public. Me- 4 years. Waiting...
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Post by lilchookie on Oct 16, 2009 20:35:11 GMT 10
Waiting - ahhhhhh a work situation is totally different than a personal one. The children in my life are those of my close friends who I have known since they were babies, they are my family. When it comes to work, I don't tell anybody anything......none of their business. I have plenty of people in my personal life who I am comfortable with talking about infertility, adoption ect. But for me work is work and what happens in my personal life is not open for discussion. I don't intend on telling anyone in my work place about adoption, until that day comes that I give 2 weeks notice to leave!! I openly talked about it all along my journey with people I felt comfortable with. Along with my husband, my best friends have cried with me when we have suffered loses. This has really helped me to not feel so isolated. They all have children, so I know they don't completely understand, but because they love me, they have really tried to and that has meant so much to me. I don't know that I had a time frame for admitting to myself that it wasn't going to work, I think part of me always just knew things were going to be this way. For me the big thing was being able to say 100% that I can live my life and be happy with just DH & I - childless.The decsion to stop IVF was made when I finally reached that point. Adoption & fostering have always been in our plan. Even as we tried and were on that IVF rollercoaster, we would talk about adoption. Being pregnant & having a biological child have never been the main focus, we just want to be parents however that beautiful gift comes to us. And I know one day it will, I just have to continue to be patient. I don't find it too hard to say I can't have children. It's a fact, I can't. But I can understand that it is not like that for everyone. In social situations my honesty at times has prompted people I don't know so well to talk of their own struggles of falling pregnant and I feel good that I have been able to make people feel comfortable to talk about this stuff rather than hiding it away. It is my reality, their reality.......it should be shared without any stigma attached. I know it makes some people feel uncomfortable, purely becuase they don't know what to say. But I know I have really educated my group of friends and I know if any of them go into situations with other people and the topic of infertility comes up, they will be alot more comfortable with discusing it
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Post by waiting on Oct 16, 2009 21:41:20 GMT 10
I have been quite open with my friends at work and they have been great.
I think the hardest thing for me was when I miscarried, I felt really lost and felt that I was the only one. When you start discussing it you hear other stories. What has really pissed me off about infertility is the hide in the closet type of discussion. Nobody wanted to discuss it. Nobody wanted to admit that they had issues getting pregnant and you feel like a defective because you are the only one.
It was only when I started talking about my journey did others. Why are we made to feel so bad?
Oh, I had to tell my boss, and I warned her I would give her 3-5 days notice. She was stunned. Enjoy your weekend. Thanks for the chat. Waiting.
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