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Post by kate on May 9, 2008 13:26:11 GMT 10
Recently, a few people have talked about a benefit of adoption being that the birth parents have "chosen" to have their child adopted or "relinquished willingly".
I thought this issue needed a bit more contemplation.
There are many people affected by the birth of a baby- the birth mother and father, grandparents, aunties, uncles, family friends. These people will have been through the time of pregnancy, the birth of the child, possibly an extended time living with the baby watching him/her grow, begin to show their personality.
The birth mother/parents may not know whether she is in a position to care for the baby. This group of people may be helping to talk through the options, offering their assistance.
At some point, the birth mother signs the forms and custody of the child is given to someone else. Each adoption will have a different story, i don't know of many that i would describe as "willing" relinquishment.
The grandparents may not want to be parents at this stage of their life- for them or the effect on the child, but their actions at this point are not willing either. This is not the choice they want to make. they may desperately want to be grandparents to this child, but not to be the child's parents.
You want to stay in contact with the child, but on the same hand, every time you do, the pain of the "decision" strikes again.
I am going to make a comparison to IVF treatment. I do not mean to offend by this in any way. I have read a little of your journey's with assisted contraception, and have friends who have been through this hard journey.
At some point, in the journey to parenthood, you have made a "choice" to stop IVF treatment. For some people, this is an easier decision than others but would you described your position as "willing to not have your own biological/birth children". You may have agonised over the decision, should i try one more cycle? Maybe this donor will work? Possibly having to justify the decision to yourself, your partner and extended family.
I am not wanting you to justify your positions, just to trying to offer a bit of insight that the decision to relinquish a child is never easy, just as stopping the IVF process, i assume, is similarly not an easy "choice" to make.
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Post by kate on May 9, 2008 13:53:11 GMT 10
would like to hear you thoughts on this.
cheers
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Post by flossyinoz on May 9, 2008 14:15:50 GMT 10
Kate,
This is a very good and emotional topic. And I think the parallels you are drawing are excellent, comparing the "willing relinquishment" with giving up IVF.
So maybe we can rephrase "willing" as "responsible choice after long thought process". Okay not the most gripping term I agree.
Yes I am fully aware that giving up a child and going through long counselling and carrying the child for 9 months is definitely not the easy choice. Easier choices in the short term are abortion (dont know about the long term ramifications here though, guilt etc) or even after birth putting the baby on hospital steps (though I still find that responsible, the mother just does not want to go throught the agony of counselling) or not at all responsible dumping the kid on a rubbish tip.
I have the utmost respect for those mothers who make the decision to give their child up as they are not capable to care for him/her at this point in time and it would be an honor to stay in touch with her through open adoption.
Flossyinoz
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Post by sallyg on May 9, 2008 14:19:30 GMT 10
Hi Kate,
I'm not sure that anyone would disagree that relinquishment is an agonising and life effecting decision for any parent and their extended family. But I would not make parallels with that and choosing to finish fertility treatment.
To be honest, I don't know what you're trying to get at.
Maybe it's the terminology? I think people use the words 'voluntary' and 'relinquieshed' terminology as it's what is used by the SWs to distinguish whether this decision has been voluntary or rather than dictated by the courts. No matter the pain involved, it is still voluntary.
Or perhaps you're concerned about people suggesting adoption is better than PC as the birth parents don't suffer as much - but I've not seen such a reference to this on this board. If there's any reference to it being 'easier' it might be that adoptive parents might feel less confronted in having access with parents who have voluntarily relinquished their child versus one where the courts ordered this. Clearly the latter may be quite resentful about the decision and this could be confrontational. I don't think anyone would suggest adoption is an easier option as it's easier on the birth family.
Essentially I'm not really sure what you're getting at!!!
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Post by flossyinoz on May 9, 2008 14:39:35 GMT 10
I think Kate just wants to show us that not only we are going through agonising times and have to make emotional decisions, but that a birth mother suffers just as much. As far as I recall Kate has several adopted family mebers in her near family and probably looks at the topic from a differnt angle than we do.
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Post by kate on May 9, 2008 15:46:36 GMT 10
Thanks FlossyinOz
You have understood what i was trying to get across and phrased it much more eloquently than i was able to.
Just trying to offer you a look from a different angle, that may help you in the adoption process, or assist in the future when working with birth families.
My family fostered many children when i was growing up and my sister who came to our family when she was 5 months old, was later under a permanant care order and at age of 24 was adopted by us.
Sally g, there are different definitions of voluntariness. Learning about the shades of grey, and trying to see the issue from another person's point of view is an important part of life.
take care,
kate
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Post by sallyg on May 9, 2008 16:26:50 GMT 10
Kate, I can totally see it from the other person's point of view... and I don't think I've ever said anything to the contrary
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Post by kate on May 9, 2008 19:25:29 GMT 10
To be honest, I don't know what you're trying to get at. .... Essentially I'm not really sure what you're getting at!!! You are struggling to see my point of view at the moment. This issue is emotional for all, and i don't wish to start an argument. I was just trying to start some discussion on seeing the different people that are involved with a babies life, and even if the birth mother s decision can be described as 'willing' or 'voluntary', there are also other people involved who are also affected by this decision.
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Post by chinababe on May 9, 2008 21:41:50 GMT 10
Kate would I right in the fact that you're also trying to make us aware that it is at times more than just the birth parents 'relinquishing' the child? It can sometimes be extended families and the loss and grief they have as well?
I know in my situation my adoptive extended family (I am adopted by my Dad - stepfather) sort of gained a new child but in doing so I sort of lost my cousins on my birth fathers side of the family (at least until I was 12 - long story).
Someone gain something but in doing so someone loss something and in some ways I guess I did.
Interesting discussion and I am open to learning more appropriate wording and phases as it can allow the children involved a deeper sense of what is right for them.
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Post by kate on May 9, 2008 23:47:22 GMT 10
Hi Chinababe
I guess my post had two points. The first was to say that although a birth mother signs the paper, there are often circumstances beyond her control that leave little options for her. It's not so easy just to say that it is her choice.
And the second point was exactly as you described. There are more people involved in a babies life than just the birth parents. (You wrote it perfectly).
I think it is important for kids to know that there are lots of people who love them very much, and how their birth family struggled with the decision about not being able to care for them.
I guess if i was told that my parents willingly give me up, i would start to wonder what it was about me. But if it was put to me that my birth family loved me very much and tried so hard but due to age/illness/disability etc they were unable to care for me and wanted the best for me, it turns the 'problem' around and no longer belongs to the child. Then, all parties are working together to give the child the best opportunities.
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Post by sallyg on May 11, 2008 18:39:17 GMT 10
Ok, I understand that you're just raising the topic, sorry for any misunderstanding - I thought you were making it in the context that people didn't recognise the pain of 'the other side' - which I don't think is true. I just thought most of what you said was obvious. Maybe it's not...
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Post by kate on May 12, 2008 11:59:57 GMT 10
The way adoptive parents think about and talk about the birth parents (including the words they use) will influence the way the child relates to the birth parents and how they feel about the adoption process.
My Mum made a photo album story book for my sister (this was before computers and digital photos). This was her story. My sister was so proud of it and wore it out 3 times. Mum would just get a new album and make it again.
It had photos of her as a baby, with her birth mum and dad, photos when she came to us etc. The story said something like .." D was a beautiful baby who loved her food. D's Mum and Dad loved her very much and loved giving her cuddles and watching her giggle. They were very young and weren't able to look after her and so they looked for a family that would love her as much as they did. They wanted a family with brothers and sisters.....
Anyway, it was written better than that but explained how she came to our family and what happened on the day we picked her up and all the funny things she did.
Any early stories that you can find about your kids (from birth parents/ foster parents/ adoption centres) will help fill the gaps. Much of our memories are created from being told oral history.
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Post by sallyg on May 12, 2008 15:44:25 GMT 10
It's a lovely idea Kate and one that the agencies encourage - in fact I think they create them too... although I'm sure we'd create better looking ones! Not sure if it's across the board, but the agency I'm with creates one for the BM and one for the child.
Your mum must have been quite progressive / intuitive to have done this at the time (assuming it was before open adoption).
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Post by flossyinoz on May 13, 2008 10:18:53 GMT 10
Yes our social workers said exactly the same thing yesterday and I think it is a great idea. they also said in case of permanent care to put up a photo of the birth mother, the child and the new family if possible and not to painful, depends on the situation, but it should definitely be in the album.
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Post by goggly on Jun 1, 2008 19:15:26 GMT 10
Kate, we have done this with our daughter. We have a book about her birth mum and the foster carers and her first days with us even though she is still too little to understand.
We talk about how much her birth mum loved her and wanted to look after her but couldn't and she loved her so much that she let us become her family.
She loves that book of photos and the story, although she doesn't recognise anyone but me and DH and her cousins!
Not sure how it will go when she is a teenager, but we are hoping that she understands that she has so many people who love her and want her to be happy and that will be the positive part of her identity.
We have nothing but respect for her birth mum, it would have been the hardest decision of her life and no matter how much counselling you have, no one can tell you what to do in this situation. It has to be the loneliest thing you will ever experience.
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Post by sallyg on Jun 2, 2008 12:37:06 GMT 10
Hi Goggly, What you have done sounds exactly as I had envisaged we would do too (if appropriate for the child/situation! I was reading over the weekend an article about Primal Wound, and in it it said that if you do say their BM really loved them then subconsciously the child relates to love to abandonment and this can have life long effects with their relationships!!! All I thought, was OMG, how will I ever do this right? Have you come across such thoughts before? I'm sure I'll find lots more conflicting information in the future, I'm only at the beginning of the road afterall!
Sal
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